Conflicting forces
by Ntutfr
Summary: When Amanda dies and Spock is thrust into a life of abuse, he thinks that he's alone. James T. Kirk thinks otherwise. Warnings inside
1. I: It begins

**Happy Birthday to my sister!**

**Warnings: Cussing, mentions of abuse, possible slash**

**I: INTRO**

"It is with great regret that Amanda S'chn T'gai Grayson is buried here today."

Around the funeral there were mutterings.

"Even her katra was extinguished."

"Death by a heart attack is a rare affliction."

"It is strange to follow human customs, to bury rather than to cremate."

Two were deaf to them all.

The elder stared passively into the crowd, mind elsewhere. He was Vulcan. He would not allow himself to feel the extent of the grief that bubbled just beyond his shields.

The younger stared blankly at the now lowered coffin as it was covered in sand. He knew that the crowd was watching and he would not, could not, respond emotionally. To do so would prove them all right, that his half human heritage was a weakness.

The ceremony was quickly concluded when the coffin was completely buried and the healer gave his parting words.

"As in accordance to human tradition, final words may be spoken. If anyone desires to speak, come to do so now."

A human came to the front of the crowd.

Unlike the rest, tears freely fell down her face.

"Amanda was a beautiful woman and a wonderful sister to me." She began, "She left behind a son and her services to the universe at large. She was... she was always so persistent. I don't think-there's never been a better sister."

The woman could continue no more and had to step down.

"Very well, does anyone else have any parting words?" The healer asked.

Unsurprisingly, there were no responses.

"In that case, may the ceremony be considered complete."

Many Vulcans quickly left. In truth none of them came from a sense of mourning, but to appease the ambassador and secure their positions.

But at the moment, the ambassador didn't care who was present.

"Spock." He spoke suddenly.

Silently, the child looked at his father.

"Join your aunt. Have her return you home."

Spock wanted to protest. He didn't want to abandon his mother just yet, even if it was only her grave.

But he silently acquiesced. It was logical to listen, as his control was beginning to falter.

"Aunt Doris, father wishes for us to return home right now." Spock said calmly.

"What? Just wait a minute, Spock. I need to talk to Amanda first."

He refrained from telling her that taking such actions were pointless. Amanda was dead, and she would not hear what Doris had to say.

Spock watched her approach the grave and put a bouquet of flowers over it. Her mumbled words were so quiet that not even he, with his superior hearing, heard what was said.

He stood silently for five minutes, ignoring the testing glances of the other Vulcans. After that, he approached his aunt. "Aunt Doris."

"Right, right." She turned to him, "Let's go." Her voice only wavered slightly.

.

The ride home was, as usual, silent. Spock's aunt didn't attempt conversation as she was consumed with grief. He was glad, for if he were to test his barriers, the emotions might worm their way out and effect him.

Spock watched her go into the house in silence.

Now, with the engine dead and the wind in an equal state, his ears rang from it.

Bitter feelings washed over him. It should not be so quiet and dead. She should be here, filling the car... filling him with warmth and life. _Sad gone why? Empty pain stop stop why this pain?_

He quickly clamped down on his emotions. To mourn simply was not acceptable.

When he was more confident in himself he left the car.

.

Sarek didn't return that night, nor the next after.

Doris couldn't bother to help Spock in any way. She was consumed by grief and wouldn't look after herself, much less her nephew.

There were no servants. Vulcans did not hire them, as it was illogical when one was capable of completing tasks on their own.

Spock took charge of himself. He cooked his own meals, walked to school, and completed the house chores.

It was all strangely hollow without Amanda there to encourage him.

During this fragile time, he was fortunate that no one saw fit to bother him. If one of his class mates were to insult his mother now, they might end up with a bit more than a broken nose.

On the third day, Sarek returned.

Spock didn't question his father. He had obviously stayed somewhere, as he was clean when he came home. Perhaps he had stayed at the embassy.

"Father." He said as a means of welcome.

"Spock." Sarek answered.

There was a pregnant pause before, "What will happen now?"

He wan't entirely sure about what he meant by the question, despite the fact that he had asked it.

"I am unsure." Sarek replied, "I will have to take a new wife. In two weeks I must go on a 6 month mission to Andoria-and I will be leaving you behind with my new bondmate."

Strangely, this caused a spike of anger to sneak past Spock's shields. He quickly hid the emotion.

"I see."

As ambassador, it would be doubtlessly simple for Sarek to gain a new wife. Still, Spock didn't enjoy the prospect of calling another who wasn't Amanda mother.

Sarek didn't continue the discussion, merely turning away from his son and continuing through the halls to speak with Doris.

Spock stared after him.

.

"I am T'lar."

A stiff Vulcan woman stared at Spock, something unpleasant shining in her onyx eyes. Her hair was wound in an ornate braid on the top of her head, and she wore dress robes.

"She is your mother-to-be." Sarek elaborated.

"I see." Spock replied in a carefully neutral tone. "When is the ceremony?"

"In three days. The ceremony will commence at precisely 1300, and your attendance is mandatory."

"Of course."

He felt something strange from T'lar. Such a statement makes no sense, but it seemed to apply. A sense of foreboding and malevolence hung about her, and he was wary.

"Spock, we will come to know each other better." She said.

"Indeed."

She turned swiftly to Sarek. "We should begin planning for the bonding."

"Very well."

.

The next few days were a blur. So soon after Amanda's death, another woman took over.

Reminders of Aamanda faded as Doris left prior to the ceremony and was back on earth.

Spock felt nothing throughout the process, save for the occasional burst of irrational anger and a sense of foreboding.

Even now, days after Sarek and T'lar were bonded, Spock felt weary. She seemed to be avoiding him.

"Spock, I expect you to continue to perform at the utmost of your behavior." Sarek said.

"I will, father." Spock replied.

"Very well. I shall see you again at the end of this mission."

Part of Spock wondered why Sarek agreed to partake in the mission in the first place. Never before had he been gone for so long. Another part, though reluctant, believed that Sarek might be emotionally overwhelmed on Vulcan, where his memories of Amanda were prevalent.

Spock chastised himself for such thoughts. His father, a distinguished Vulcan, would never be swayed so by emotion.

He watched his father climb into an airtran, and watched it take off. It flew towards the embassy until it disappeared from sight.

T'lar looked down at Spock.

"Give me your hand."

He did so, though reluctant. It was a common practice for Vulcan children to hold hands with their mothers until their early teenage years. T'lar hardly counted as Spock's mother in his opinion, but he'd listen for the sake of his father.

She walked briskly through the neighborhood, forcing Spock to practically jog to keep up.

When they arrived at the home, she released him. "I expect you to complete any unfinished assignments."

"I shall." Spock said, barely keeping the annoyance out of his tone. He was 8, and fully capable of monitoring himself.

"Very well, get to it."

Today, he would not protest.

.

The first incident occurred a week after they were left alone.

"Spock, did you complete your assignments?"

"I did, as I already told you. Twice."

"I remember no such thing."

A hint of bitterness entered his tone as he said, "Perhaps your memory is faulty."

"I assure you it is not."

"I highly doubt that. From what I have seen, this slip up is unsurprising."

It was not a good thing to say. Weeks of bitterness, slowly building after his mothers death, had forced the words from his mouth.

T'lar was on him like a snake.

Her hand gripped his shoulder with bruising force and her nails seemed to slice through the fabric and cut into his skin.

Spock yelped in a mixture of shock and pain, which only seemed to upset her more.

"You will not speak to me in such a manner. Lying is unVulcan, as is showing emotion. You will behave like a Vulcan child."

Her eyes glittered with malice.

"Yes." Spock replied automatically. He felt a strange spike of fear when the woman came onto him.

She released his shoulder when the shock suddenly sunk it. T'lar had hurt him. Where was the logic in that?

"You hurt me." He stated.

"I disciplined you."

"Such forms of discipline are barbaric. Father must be informed."

Those onyx eyes turned back to him. "You will do no such thing."

"I will."

"Do not make me repeat myself." And now, her hand found Spock's and was crushing it. "You will listen to me."

Spock just nodded, worried that she might apply enough force to break one of his fingers.

She released him. "Go to your room."

He went up, silently.

It didn't matter that he promised otherwise. Sarek needed to hear about this.

.

T'lar entered his room hardly an hour later. She held a PADD.

"I see that you attempted to contact your father." She said slowly.

Spock's eyes widened slightly.

"I have already told you not to do so. Any attempts are futile, as I have control in this house over everything." She dropped the PADD on a desk and walked straight to him. "This includes you."

She stood close. "Will you repeat what you just did again?"

"No." He answered quickly.

"Good. I expect things to stay that way."

She let go and left his room.

Spock simply couldn't believe that this was happening.

* * *

6 year old James T. Kirk stared up curiously.

"Jimmy, this is my new boyfriend." Winona smiled, "Frank."

"Frank?" Jim repeated.

"Yep. It's nice to meet you, Jimmy." Frank said.

Jim just stared back.

Frank chuckled awkwardly. "You know, when someone says that they usually expect a response."

"Oh, stop it." Winona said, laughing.

The couple kissed.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom, will you be alright with Jimmy for a minute?"

"Of course." Frank replied.

Winona ran off.

"So Jimmy, how are you?"

Instead of answering Jim said, "I don't like you."

Frank lost his smile, instead gaining an unamused look on his face. "I've gotta confess, I don't like you much either, kid."

"I don't really care." Jim ran off into a different room.

"Brat." Frank muttered.

Winona finished up a few moments later. "Hey, are you ready to go?"

"Yeah."

"Where's Jimmy?"

"He went into the other room."

"Huh. We're leaving, Jimmy!"

"Okay!"


	2. I: Disbelief

It did not end.

T'lar began to use greater amounts of physical force. At one point, she even began to choke Spock.

He couldn't quite grasp why she was doing this.

Even now, as T'lar stood gripping his arm, he wondered.

"You are half human. You need to be brought up more strictly than a normal Vulcan." When she had said that, he believed that it had to do with the fact that she resented his heritage.

"I am a fully capable Vulcan." He said nervously.

"You are not, and do not say such things." She said, digging her nails into his arms.

She always justified it.

Always said that she was only trying to discipline him into a true Vulcan. He resented this.

"Go to your room and complete your assignments." She ordered. He listened. What other choice was there?

Another week had passed since she began to turn to physical violence. At first Spock couldn't believe it. Now, he simply couldn't understand it.

It was causing him more emotional struggle, rather than less.

Irrationally, the sight of T'lar now made him nervous.

He though of Amanda. If she were still alive, this would not have occurred.

Yet, he could not think of Amanda for long. If he did, he wouldn't be able to handle the emotions that it would stir within him.

Instead, he focused on his work. He didn't want to deal with T'lar should he turn in an assignment of low quality.

* * *

"Frank, thank you so much for agreeing to babysit Jimmy. Sam's sleeping over at a friend's house, so you only have to worry about one of them."

"Don't worry about it, and that's good to know."

Winona smiled fondly. "Alright. Goodbye Frank. Bye Jimmy!"

Her form traveled down the hall until it vanished out the door.

Jim pouted. "Aw, why are you babysitting me?"

Frank eyed him. "I'm doing you a favor, stop complaining."

"I don't care. I don't like you."

"Shut up, kid." Frank growled.

"No, I don't wanna."

Frank had to restrain himself from shouting. It wouldn't do to traumatize his girlfriend's brat.

He got some chicken nuggets from the replicator. No sense in waiting to feed the kid.

"Eat up."

"I'm not hungry."

"I don't care." Frank mocked, purposely increasing his voice by several pitches.

"No!" Jim abandoned Frank and went into the other room.

"Starve then." Frank said, throwing out the food. "Don't ask for more later."

.

It was a full month later that Spock knew that he was in a difficult situation.

At school, bullies seemed to mock him more than ever, while T'lar grew ever more violent. It was causing him a great deal of stress.

"You were three point two minutes late. Why?" She asked.

"I did not realize-"

"That is a lie!"

He had no time to prepare himself for her fist, which came flying at her torso. It nearly bowled him over.

"Vulcans do not lie. They also have internal methods for tracking the time. I will ask again, why were you late?"

Spock decided to make up an excuse to spare himself any more pain. "I forgot to grab my assignment, and had to stay after to request it."

In truth, he had been dealing with bullies. He wouldn't disclose that particular information to his step mother.

"It is your human side at work again, making you foolish. Go back to your room."

He walked up, hunching slightly in pain.

When Sarek returned, he would put an end to this.

.

Hardly three months had gone by and Spock already felt like he was losing his sanity. T'lor sometimes didn't allow him to eat, and was constantly abusing him.

At school, the bullies were acting up worse than ever.

Thoughts of Amanda still weighed heavily in the back of his mind. All Spock knew of his existence at the moment was work and stress. T'lor seemed to believe that Spock would work through the stress on his own and become a better Vulcan for it.

It wasn't working.

Recently, she'd practically gone into a rage.

"Why are you still so emotional?" She snapped, shoving him against the wall. "You should have learned by now!"

He was frozen in horror. He never knew what to do when she beat on him. To struggle would usually worsen things. Still, every instinct screamed to do just that.

"I-You are not making it easy." He said honestly.

"This is not my fault. It is entirely yours."

He had closed his eyes and allowed her to attack him.

Since that incident, she'd become even more strict. Spock didn't know what to do anymore.

Telling someone was out of the question. It was shameful, and no one would believe a half Vulcan who claimed to be abused by one of full blood.

So he did nothing.

* * *

Frank hated babysitting Winona's brat. She'd likely be sent on a mission with the commission of the _Farragut _In a year and a half, and be gone for 3 more. He'd be willing to put up with that. For the cash.

But he didn't want to be stuck with her brats all the time. Sam was even worse than Jimmy.

"Sit down and eat!" Frank growled.

"Nope." Jim said.

Sam just grabbed the plate off the table and walked away.

The things that Frank wanted to do to them at the moment were downright gruesome.

"You think that you can get away with ignoring me, HUH?" He spat.

"Yes!" Jim replied.

Frank raised a fist, but quickly thought better of it. He couldn't beat his girlfriend's kid.

"Eat you ungrateful brat!" He snapped.

Dealing with the children was always the worst.

.

_Father will be home soon. He will stop T'lar. _

There was still another month yet. Spock had dropped a small amount of weight, though not quite enough to be noticed. There were a few visible bruises, and several more cuts and bruises in places covered by his clothes. Spock would use it as evidence when the time came.

Then, three weeks prior to the date that Sarek was scheduled to return, T'lar abruptly stopped her abuse.

He didn't understand at first. Then, he realized. She wanted to hide the evidence.

_No!_

He went to his room and stripped off his shirt. Spock quickly took several pictures and saved them for future evidence.

T'lar would be exposed, and nothing would stop him.

Spock was still antsy around her, even though he knew that she would no longer harm him.

It didn't hurt to be careful.

* * *

"How do you guys like Frank?" Winona asked.

"I don't like him." Jim said.

"He seems like a grouchy guy." Sam replied, "But otherwise fine."

"Then this is big news.

He proposed to me, and I accepted. Do you know what this means? He's gonna be your step father!" She smiled in genuine happiness.

"Him? No, I don't like him. That's not good." Jim insisted.

"Don't worry Jimmy, it'll be alright. He'll care for you." She let a small amount of annoyance leak into her tone over her son's attitude.

"No, I can tell. He's not good."

"He's fine Jimmy." Sam said, "Don't worry about it."

Jim looked away. "I don't like it."

"It'll be alright." Winona assured, "I'm sure that you'll come to love him."

.

Spock eagerly awaited his father.

Any minute now.

"Spock, you are not to bring up our conflicts from the past few months to Sarek." T'lar said.

"Of course." Spock replied. Privately, he thought of them as more of beatings than conflicts.

"That is him." She said suddenly, walking quickly to the door.

Spock waited anxiously inside. Before he may have rushed out to meet him-in a subdued manner, of course-but he didn't want to upset T'lar. Not now, not ever.

After several minutes the two Vulcans entered together.

"Spock." Sarek said.

Spock felt a rush of relief, adrenaline, and glee at the same time. It was a strange and shameful mix of emotions.

"Father." He replied, staring openly at the ambassador.

He seemed to realize that something was off. "Is everything well?" He asked.

Spock glanced at T'lar, who was shooting him a warning glance.

"Yes. Everything is fine."

"In that case, I shall retire to my room."

T'lar stayed behind as Sarek went upstairs. Spock felt an illogical desire to chase after him.

"I shall prepare dinner." She said simply, going into the kitchen.

Spock stood frozen for a moment. It would not do to tell Sarek now, when he was exhausted.

Tomorrow. He would tell him tomorrow.

* * *

Winona kissed Frank's cheek after hugging both of her boys.

"I'm sorry. I can't believe... I'm shocked that I'm being assigned to the Defiant. I know that this was short notice. When I come back, we can follow through with the wedding ceremony." As Winona expected she was being sent on a three year mission. She just never expected it to be so sudden.

"Yeah. That really does suck, but I think it'll be fine." Frank replied.

"Jimmy, Sam, behave for Frank."

"Don't go!" Jim said.

"I have to." Winona replied.

He started crying.

"Shh, shh, it'll be okay." Winona said, pulling her son into an embrace.

"No." Jim sobbed.

_I'm sorry. _"Good bye, boys." She said, turning her back on them. Jim's cries chased her to the car, which only made her leave quicker.

As soon as she left, Frank eyed Jim. "Shut up."

"But mom!" Jim cried.

"I don't care! Stop crying!"

He just cried louder.

Frank felt rage fill him. "You brat..." He restrained himself from throttling the kid like he so desired to. "Shut the fuck up!"

When he didn't stop, Frank just retreated to a room where Jim could barely be heard. Fortunately for him, the brat stopped soon.

He wouldn't tolerate that idiotic behavior any more.

.

"Father, I need to speak with you." Spock said.

"Very well. What do you wish to say?"

"Alone, father." Spock said. He glanced at T'lar, who was staring directly at him.

Sarek hesitated. "If you wish. Come to my office."

Their house was huge. Sarek's office was 300 yards from the table. The two walked the distance in silence.

After Sarek shut the door he sat in his chair. "What do you wish to tell me?"

"T'lar hurt me." Spock blurted immediately.

Sarek's eyes widened a degree, which spoke of great shock and rage behind his shields.

"What?"

"She would hurt me everyday and justified it by calling it discipline."

"This is... a serious accusation."

"I realize that. However, I have proof."

"Where?" Sarek said, almost the instant that Spock finished his sentence.

Spock grabbed his PADD and opened it to search for the images he had taken prior. After a minute of searching, he realized that they were no loner there there.

Shocked, he checked his email for traces of the halted messages that he'd attempted to send his father. That evidence was gone as well.

"It is not here." He said, eyes wide. T'lar. She'd gone through his PADD and deleted everything.

Sarek was on his feet. "It does not matter, I must speak with T'lar." His eyes were narrowed.

"Father." Spock said, moving in front of him. He didn't want them to speak, though he wasn't entirely sure why.

"Move, Spock."

He just shut his eyes when Sarek put a hand on his shoulder and nudged him aside.

When he opened them Sarek was gone, walking at a brisk pace towards the kitchen. Oddly dazed, Spock chased after him.

"T'lar, what happened while I was away?" Sarek asked. He was the epitome of calm and collected, on the outside.

"What do you mean?"

"According to Spock, you engaged in abusive behavior."

"I did not."

Sarek stared at her. "One of you is lying."

"I am a fully trained Vulcan, I would never lie. Perhaps Spock lied, as he is upset that another has come to replace his mother."

"You have not replaced Amanda." Sarek said. After a pause, "Meld with me."

"Very well." She agreed immediately.

Spock stood at the doorway, shocked.

"My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts."

Sarek began to mutter things.

For several moments, they stood melding.

Then Sarek stepped back. "You are telling the truth." He said.

Spock couldn't believe it. "She is not, father! Meld with me!"

"I would never meld with one so young." Sarek said with a steely voice. Few adults would meld with a child, as it could influence their thought patterns prematurely.

Spock felt an unVulcan urged to yell. _How?! How did she hide her thoughts from him?_

"Go to your room." Sarek said, sending Spock a harsh look. "And never attempt anything like this again. Lying is not tolerated."

"Father-"

"Go."

Spock stared at him for a moment longer before leaving. He couldn't believe it. This wasn't happening.

* * *

It had been a few weeks since Winona left. 3 weeks and 2 days, to be exact.

"Clean the living room Jimmy." Frank said.

"No, I wont listen to you."

"Yes, you will." Frank said, striding up to the boy. "Now clean up."

"No!" He shouted, "You're not mom. I wont listen to a word you say!"

"You listen here, brat." Frank growled. He grabbed him by the collar, "Either you listen to me, or I make you listen. Are we clear here?"

Jim glared at him silently.

"Say something!" Frank yelled.

Jim was still silent.

Frank couldn't take it anymore. He threw the kid across the room, glad when his head hit the wall hard enough to make a loud thump.

Jim cried out. "You just-!"

"Get cleaning." Frank snapped. He left the room.

From now on, those kids would listen to him.

.

Evidently, T'lar was a stronger telepath then Sarek and was better at shielding her mind. At least, that's what Spock believed.

Ever since he had attempted to tell Sarek about T'lar, he'd been especially cold towards Spock. It was upsetting him more than he'd care to admit.

"I am being sent on another diplomatic mission." Sarek said, "This time for one year on Earth."

"Father, don't-"

"I have made my decision to go. You will remain on Vulcan with T'lar to continue your studies, and that is final."

"No." Spock said.

"Do you resent me so?" T'lar asked. Spock glared at her and refused to grace her question with an answer.

"When are you leaving, father?"

"In four days and 2 hours. I expect you to behave." His glare held a warning within it.

"Of course." Spock said. What else could he say? This shouldn't be happening. He didn't know what this emotion was that filled him, but it made him want to grab Sarek and shake him until he admitted that T'lar was doing something wrong.

He didn't do such a thing, though. If Sarek wouldn't listen before, he wouldn't listen now.

This shouldn't be happening.


	3. I: No more

She'd gotten far worse.

Several months had gone by- 4 months, 3 days, 15 hours, and 6 minutes, to be exact. T'lar believed that she could exercise full control over everything.

"Get over here, Spock." She said cooly. He went over instantly, though his mind protested.

Her hands were on his face before he cold blink.

"I heard about what happened in school. That you fought against the fully Vulcan children."

He was silent.

"That is not acceptable."

Then their minds were crashing, hers impossibly powerful. It swamped his senses, completely overwhelming him.

Spock cried out and tried to back away to no avail. She held him tight.

Emotions that were supposed to stay suppressed were forced out, and Spock couldn't even comprehend what was happening. That an adult could do such a thing was a far more alien concept then anything else he had ever heard.

When she stopped, he was trembling.

"Go to your room."

He did so, stumbling on his way.

* * *

Jim cleaned dutifully, fearing Frank's rage.

"Clean EVERYTHING, do you understand?"

"Yes." He stared at the spot that he was scrubbing on the ground, never looking up.

Sam wasn't home. After Frank had beaten him, Sam ran off. Jim knew that he'd return soon enough, he always did.

"When that brother of yours get home, I'm gonna make him regret the day that he disobeyed me." Frank growled.

Jim said nothing. To defend Sam would only anger Frank further.

"If this room isn't completely clean when I get back in 20 minutes you'll regret it." Frank said.

Jim knew better than to test him. His efforts got quicker the moment he was out of sight.

.

Spock had come to accept how things were. They would not change, and there was nothing that could be done about it.

He would go to school, suffer from T'lar, and sleep. Typically he didn't eat dinner, because to do so would mean spending more time with her.

This was all that his existence was. All that it would be for many years, he understood. It was a strange sort of acceptance that he felt with the thought.

Even as she attacked his body and mind, he knew that it would continue to happen this way and he couldn't stop it.

.

When Sarek returned the next time, Spock barely acknowledged him. It was, in a sense, his fault that T'lar was able to continue her behavior.

"Spock."

"Father."

Spock was focused on a point beyond his shoulder. He left as soon as he was able.

Knowing Sarek, it hardly surprised him when he decided to go on another long mission. As he thought, it would never end. There was no escape.

* * *

They were taking Frank away.

Jim couldn't believe it.

After he'd pulled a stunt that may have involved driving a car off a cliff, the police thoroughly investigated his home. They'd found evidence of abuse and had immediately arrested Frank.

Winona was recalled to Earth.

Even now, as Jim was hugged by his sobbing mother, nothing felt real. Was it truly over?

"This is all your fault, you know." Sam said bitterly, "You're the one who left us with him."

Winona cried some more. "I'm sorry, Sam. Jimmy. I'm so sorry." She extended an arm to Sam, but he just glared at it.

"Are you gonna go off now? Choose another step father to watch over us?" Sam asked.

"Sam, I wont ever repeat my mistake again. You two are coming with me on my next assignment. It's a ground based job on Tarsus V, and everything will be okay there."

Jim felt himself be filled with hope. His mom would be staying with him now.

.

At 13, Spock was by far superior to his classmates. His grades were perfect, and his emotional control was flawless. He was small for his age and always anxious-though no one noticed.

Secretly, he eagerly awaited the day he turned 18. He'd determined that the only logical way to escape was to age.

Sarek return, with a plan to stay for weeks. It was a welcome break from T'lar.

"Father, why are you staying for so long?"

"I desired to visit you again. It has been a long time and you have changed very much." Sarek said, frowning slightly.

"I will be gone for three years at my next mission, and that is a considerable time to not see how you are progressing."

"As you can see, I am fine." _Fine has a variant of definitions. _

"Indeed. You are... fine."

"If that is all, I would like to continue my assignment. Alone."

"Very well." Sarek said, somewhat baffled.

He trusted his son, and he trusted T'lar. Things would be fine.

.

Jim wasn't the biggest fan of his foster mom.

Sure she caused him hardly any trouble, but she was no Winona. Winona was gone, her corpse burned with Sam's on Tarsus.

He compensated by making her life hell. He went out all night, got low grades, and did stupid stuff. It was normal for a 14 year old to act rebellious, right?

He smirked when she came out ranting about how much he worried her and about how much trouble he was in.

"That's nice, Lisa." He said.

"James Tiberious Kirk!" Lisa called.

"Bye!"

He took off on the motorcycle that he'd stolen from the junk yard, then later repaired. To drive a motorcycle, 13 was the minimum age. Nothing could stop him.

Jim Kirk enjoyed stirring up trouble, 'cause it made him feel free.

.

"I expect you to be accepted and to embark in kohlinar." T'lar said.

"Of course." Spock replied.

Sarek was remaining for longer than usual to participate in selections at the Vulcan science academy.

This was Spock's path. It was what he must do.

"Go." T'lar commanded. He did.

"You have surpassed the expectations of your instructors. Your final record is flawless, with one exception. I see that you have applied to Star fleet as well."

"It was logical to cultivate multiple options." In truth, he had done that behind T'lar's back. She would never allow him to apply to a human institution.

"Logical, but unnecessary. You are hereby accepted to the Vulcan science academy."

The minister paused. "It is truly remarkable, Spock, that you have achieved so much despite your disadvantage. All rise."

A wave of apprehension rose over Spock.

"If you would clarify, minister. To what disadvantage do you refer?"

"Your human mother."

Images flashed through Spock's mind. _That human whore. Inferior parasite._

He wouldn't say anything. He wouldn't respond.

Especially not with his father there.

"Council, ministers, I must decline."

Spock couldn't believe that those words had just left his mouth.

"No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this academy."

"Then as I am half human your record remains untarnished." What was he saying?

Sarek glared down at him. "Spock, you have made a commitment to honor the Vulcan way."

"Why did you come before this council today? Was it to satisfy your emotional need to rebel?"

Spock ignored the anger he felt. "The only emotion I wish to convey is gratitude. Thank you, ministers, for your consideration."

A conversation that his mother had had multiple times when she was alive flashed through his mind.

_"When Vulcans are completely disgusted with each other, do they turn away?"_

_"No."_

_"Humans do."_

"Live long and prosper." He said bitterly, walking away.

T'lar would kill him.

.

When he left, he was confronted by T'lar.

"Where are you going?"

"I have been accepted to Star Fleet academy. I am going to Earth right now." Spock replied, feeling oddly brave.

"You will do no such thing."

"You are wrong. I already have."

She didn't have a chance to retaliate, as Sarek walked briskly into the house.

Spock was glad. He was sure that if she attacked him this time, he wouldn't let her get away with it.

"What are you doing Spock? Why are you throwing away your chances to live as an honorable Vulcan?"

"Father, my life is my own. I shall determine what makes it honorable."

"You must reconsider."

"I will not, I am going to star fleet academy."

Sarek stared at him in silence. Then, "In that case, I can not consider you a son of mine."

"I understand." Spock returned darkly.

He was leaving Vulcan permanently.


	4. I: Compromised

Spock watched the cadet warily. He sat slumped back, simultaneously eating an apple and grinning.

"How the hell did he beat your test?" An admiral barked,

"I do not know."

Spock studied the golden haired cadet who appeared so confident and pleased with himself.

Evidently, he had altered the test.

He would have to be reported.

.

"The admirality calls James T. Kirk to the stand."

"Cadet Kirk, evidence has been submitted to the council suggesting that you violated the ethical code of conduct according to regulation 17.14B of the starfleet code. Is there anything you care to say before we begin, sir?"

Kirk hesitated. "Yes, I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly?"

Kirk turned and watched a Vulcan stand and straighten his uniform.

"Step forward please."

"This is commander Spock, he is one of our most... distinguished graduates. He's programmed the kobayashi maru exam for the last four years. Commander."

Spock shifted. "Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, therefore changing the conditions of the test."

Kirk was silent for a moment. "Your point being?"

"In academic vernacular, you cheated." The admiral said.

Kirk bit back a smile. He had this. "Let me ask you something that, I think we all know the answer to. The test itself is a cheat, isn't it? You programmed it to be unwinnible."

"Your argument precludes the possibility of a no win scenario."

Kirk automatically replied with, "I don't believe in no win scenarios."

Spock felt a surge of annoyance at the obstinate cadet. "Then not only did you violate the rules, you failed to recognize the principle lesson."

"Please, enlighten me." Kirk said, barely keeping the sarcasm out of his tone.

"You of all people should know, cadet Kirk. A captain cannot cheat death." The words sprang from a dark place, a fear to lose control of the situation.

"I of all people?"

"Your father," _Your human mother. _"Took charge of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?" _She was killed by a heart attack. How unfortunate._

"I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test." Kirk said, fighting the rising tide of anger.

"Furthermore, you have failed to define the purpose of the test."

"Enlighten me again." Kirk said harshly.

"The purpose is to experience fear." _T'lar would explain that. She always would justify it. _"Fear in the face of certain death." _You don't know fear. _"To accept that fear, and to maintain control of oneself and ones crew. This is a quality expected in every starfleet captain."

They were interrupted by a man with a PADD. The admiral glanced down.

"We have received a distress call from Vulcan. With our primary fleet engaged in another system, I hereby order all cadets to return to hangar one immediately. Dismissed."

Spock walked off at a brisk pace.

Vulcan had sent a distress call?

They were relying on _cadets _to assist Vulcan?

.

"Punch it." Pike ordered.

The cadet at the helm did just that.

And nothing happened.

"Helmsman, where's Lt McKenna?"

"He has lungworms, sir, he couldn't report to his post. I'm Hikaru Sulu." The cadet said seriously.

Annoyed by his seeming incompetence Pike said, "And you are a pilot, right?"

"Very much so, sir. I'm, uh, not sure what's wrong."

"Is the parking brake on?" Pike asking, both amused and annoyed.

"Uh, no." The cadet said. "I'll figure it out, I'll just, uh-"

_This is taking too much time. _"Have you disengaged the external initial dampener?" Spock asked.

After a moment the cadet said, "Ready for warp sir."

"Let's punch it." Pike replied. And the enterprise was moving at a full warp 9.

Vulcan was 16 light years away. It would take under an hour to get there at their current speed.

.

"Captain! Captain Pike, sir, we have to stop the ship!"

There was more shouting as cadet McCoy chased after him with a hypospray.

"Kirk, how the hell did you get onboard the Enterprise?" Pike demanded.

"Captain this man is under the influence of a severe allergic reaction, he's completely delusional-"

"Vulcan is NOT experiencing a natural disaster it's being attacked by Romulans." Kirk interrupted.

Pike stared, "Romulans? Cadet Kirk I think you've had enough attention for one day. McCoy take him back to medical ward."

"Sir!" Kirk stepped closer to Pike, insisting that it was like what occurred onboard the Kelvin.

Spock chose this moment to quote star fleet regulation in his attempt to get rid of the cadet.

"It's an attack."

"Based on what facts?" Spock snapped.

"That same anomaly, a lightning storm in space, also occurred on the day of my birth, before a ROMULAN ship attacked the U.S.S. Kelvin." He turned to Pike, "You know that sir, I read your desertion. That ship, which had formidable and advanced weaponry, was never seen again."

He continued to explain an anomaly that had occurred the night before, where dozens of Klingon ships had been destroyed by a single Romulan ship.

"You know of this Klingon attack how?" Pike asked.

Kirk looked at Uhura.

"Sir, I intercepted and translated the message myself. Kirk's report is accurate."

"We're heading into a trap sir the Romulans are waiting for us. I promise you that." Kirk said.

It pained Spock greatly to say it, but, "The cadet's logic is sound. As Lt Uhura is unmatched in xenolinguistics it would be wise to accept her conclusion."

"Scan Vulcan space for any transmissions in Romulan."

The linguist said, "Sir, I'm not sure if I can distinguish the romulan language from Vulcan."

Pike turned to Uhura, "What about you? Can you speak Romulan, cadet-?"

"Uhura, sir. All three dialects."

"Uhura. Can you lead the lieutenant?"

"Yes sir."

Pike turned, "hail the USS Truman."

"All of the ships have arrived at Vulcan sir, but we seem to have lost all contact." A perplexed Ensign reported.

Uhura was confused. "Sir, I pick up no Romulan transmissions, or transmissions of any kind in the area."

"It's because they're being attacked." Kirk said.

Pike thought for a moment. "Shields up, red alert."

Sulu said, "Arrival at Vulcan in 5 seconds. 4. 3. 2."

It was immediate chaos. Ship parts were flying everywhere and the Enterprise swerved to avoid as many obstacles as possible.

Then it was visible. A mammoth ship that looked to be made of hundreds of giant spears.

Everything became urgent when Spock said, "Captain they're locking torpedoes."

The ship shook as it as bombarded with several powerful weapons. Space became a battle ground as the Enterprise was preparing to launch it's own weaponry.

It all seemed to halt when they were hailed. A Romulan appeared on the screen.

"Hello."

"I'm Captain Christopher Pike, to whom am I speaking?"

The Romulan nodded. "Hi Christopher, I'm Nero."

"You've declared war against the federation! Withdraw, and we'll agree to arrange a conference with Romulan leadership in a neutral location." Pike said.

"I do not speak for the Empire. We stand apart. As does your Vulcan crew member, isn't that right? Spock."

Spock was confused. "Pardon me, but I do not believe that you and I are acquainted."

"We're not. Not yet. Spock, there's something I'd like you to see."

Something bad was going to happen.

"Captain Pike. Your transporter has been disabled as you can see, I had no choice. You will man a shuttle and come aboard the Narada for further negotiations. That is all." The transmission was cut.

Everyone turned to Pike and seemed to hold their breath.

Then he stood.

_No!_

When Spock was at the academy he'd been utterly lost. After prolonged suffering on Vulcan he didn't trust anyone.

Pike had changed that. He was the only one to know of T'lars treatment of him. He was also the only one to continue to offer a friendly hand even after he snapped at any who tried.

He was more of a father to Spock than Sarek had ever been.

For Jim, it was the same. He brought him to star fleet and watched him closely. They were practically family at this point.

Neither wanted Pike to follow Nero's demands.

"He'll kill you, you know."

"The statistical likelihood of you returned unharmed is astonishingly low."

"Captain, we gain nothing by you sacrificing yourself!"

"I too agree, you should rethink your strategy."

"I understand that." Pike replied. "I need officers who have been trained in advanced hand to hand combat."

Sulu raised a hand, "I have training sir."

Pike nodded, "Come with me. Kirk, you too, you're not supposed to be here anyways. Chekov, you have the conn."

They walked quickly through the halls.

"Without transporters we can't get off the ship, we can't assist Vulcan, we can't do our job. Mr Kirk, Mr Sulu, Engineer Olsen will space jump from the shuttle. You will land on that machine they've lowered into the atmosphere that's scrambling our gear, you'll get inside, you'll disable it, then you'll beam back to the ship.

Mr. Spock, I'm leaving you in command of the Enterprise. Once you have transport capability, communications are online, you'll contact star fleet, report what the hell's going on here. And if all else fails, fall back and rondezvous with the fleet."

He turned to Kirk. "Kirk, I'm promoting you to first officer."

"What?"

"Captain?!" Spock exclaimed, "Please, I apologize. The complexities of human pranks escape me."

"It's not a prank, Spock." Pike said, "And I'm not the captain. You are."

Spock and Kirk glared at each other for a moment, then Kirk followed after Pike.

Spock didn't know quite how to respond when Pike said, "Careful with the ship Spock, she's brand new."

So he just nodded and headed back towards the bridge.

They failed.

Spock pushed past Kirk and Sulu, crouching on the transporter pad.

"Spock, don't do this!"

"Energize."

And he was on the surface of Vulcan. He may not have been close with his father, but he would save him and the elders.

He sprinted up the hill that lie before him, covered in quaking rubble, before running into the sanctuary.

"Spock?"

"Come with me, there are only moments left before Vulcan is destroyed."

They followed without question when boulders came tumbling down from the ceiling.

Spock glimpsed Sarek and T'lar among the group. This caused him to urge them on faster.

"9 to transport." Spock said.

His father walked a few steps out to survey the destruction. He had a slight expression of horror on his face.

And then he was falling.

"Father!" Spock reached out, but it was too late.

At that moment, the entire group materialized onboard the Enterprise.

It was silent.

Spock stepped off the transporter pad, still trying to catch his breath and process what just happened.

He felt the weak bond with his father snap.

At that moment, T'lar walked over to him.

"Spock." Her voice betrayed the pain she felt from the bond breaking. Evidently she had been far closer to Sarek than Spock was. Perhaps her stronger telepathy left her more vulnerable to its effects.

"You let him die." She whispered harshly, voice full of madness. She attacked him, slapping him and clawing at him.

Spock carefully pushed her away. It hurt, but he could handle it.

"T'lar." A minister called. He was frozen, unsure of what to do. Then security team seemed to come to their senses and tried to restrain her.

Two men were no match for an enraged Vulcan woman. She knocked them backwards and threw her hands onto his meld points. Before he could push her away, she was transferring her pain and madness into him.

Spock was then successful in pushing her off him, and even felt some small amount of satisfaction when she fell to the ground.

By now reinforcements had arrived and were securing her.

Spock stared blankly while they carted her off, kicking and shouting, to the brig. He needed a moment to block away what had been transferred._ Pain pain pain rage agony all my fault._

When he came to his senses, Spock realized that several people were gawking at him. The emotions weren't fading anymore.

"Cadet Kirk." He said, straightening his posture. There was no point in concealing it as his mind was warped by foreign thoughts. "I am placing you in charge of the Enterprise. I am... emotionally compromised."

He walked away quickly to avoid their stares.

.

Spock watched Vulcan implode in on itself from his window. It was strangely painful, knowing that his mother's grave and his father disappeared with it.

Spock knew with his internal compass that the Enterprise was heading towards Earth. It made sense. The Narada was headed in that direction, and it would would be inexcusable to allow another planet to die.

After sitting in silence for nearly 10 minutes, unable to meditate, there was a knock at his door.

"Enter." He called.

Surprisingly, it was Kirk.

"Captain?" Spock questioned.

"Spock, who was she?" Kirk cut right to the chase.

"To whom are you referring?" Spock asked, though he knew exactly who Kirk meant.

"That woman that attacked you, of course."

"She is my step mother. Evidently she could not handle the effects of having a bond severed."

"Is that normal?! Do Vulcans start attacking each other when someone else dies? Because everyone else seems fine."

"T'lar was... unusually receptive in telepathy. She can not be blamed for her momentary slip up."

"Slip up?" Jim repeated, "That's an odd way to phrase it."

Spock realized that he had made a slight error.

He compensated by changing the subject.

"Where are we currently heading?"

"Earth. I thought we were discussing something else?"

"I wish not to. You should be on the bridge."

"Yeah, well, I need your help. I heard that Vulcans and Romulans share a common ancestry? I can't access that ship without you, because I can't figure it out."

"You shouldn't be going. Send a subordinate."

"Nah, I don't think I will. Will you help me?"

"I would cite regulation, but I am certain that you will ignore it. Very well." Spock agreed.

"Great! Meet me in the transportation room in ten minutes!" And he was gone.

Only then did Spock realize that they were planning to steal Pike from the Romulans.

.

They beamed onboard the Narada, and were immediately attacked.

It became a phaser battle.

Spock and Kirk spoke in whispers, and Spock went to meld with a fallen Romulan. Gun fire went on in the background while he was engrossed in his task. Spock tried to not feel disgust at forcing himself into another's mind.

Kirk came up behind him. "Do you know where it is, the black hole device?"

"...And captain Pike."

.

"I foresee a complication. The design of this ship is far more advanced than I had anticipated." Spock said.

A mechanical voice spoke, "Voice data and face recognition enabled. Welcome, ambassador Spock."

Surprised, Spock asked, "Computer, what is your manufacturing origin?"

"Star date 2387, commissioned by the Vulcan Science Academy."

"You'll be able to fly this thing, right?"

Theories whirled around in Spock's head. "Something tells me that I already have."

They stared at each other silently until Kirk said, "Good luck." And abruptly walked away.

"Jim, the statistical likelihood that our plan will succeed is less than 4.3%."

"It'll work." Kirk said simply.

"In the event that I don't return-"

"Spock. It'll work."

The half Vulcan watched his captain go. He knew that he was going for Pike.

In the end he decided to not think about it and sat in the chair. As it rotated he muttered, "fascinating."

.

Spock flew straight for the Narada. If they didn't transport him out, he'd die.

At that moment, he didn't mind. In fact, he found himself hoping that they would fail to save him. Illogical.

Then, he was aboard the Enterprise. Kirk stood next to him supporting Pike. Someone grabbed Christopher, and both first officer and Captain took off running.

They came to the bridge in time to see the Narada partially sucked into a black hole.

"The enemy ship's shields are losing power." Chekov reported.

"Hail them now." Kirk said.

As soon as Nero responded he said, "This is Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Your ship is compromised. You're too close to the singularity to survive without assistence which we are willing to provide."

Kirk didn't reply

"I'd rather suffer the end of Romulus a thousand times; I would rather die in agony than accept help from you."

"You've got it. Arm phasers, fire everything we've got."

Spock felt a small amount of satisfaction as he watched the ship endure bombardment and fall apart.

.

While Enterprise was docking, Kirk thought aloud. "Loss of Romulus, huh?"

"Don't think about it." Bones said.

The crew was loaded onto shuttles, where they flew back to San Francisco.

.

Spock was walking through the building, intent on submitting his resignation form. There, he was met with a sight that made him freeze. "Father?"

The Vulcan turned. "I am not our father."

Our? "I do not understand."

"Allow me to meld with you. It would be too difficult to explain otherwise."

Spock hesitated. "I would rather not."

"Very well." He seemed surprised, "I'll explain it to you. I am you from a different dimension."

"Is it you, then, that Nero was speaking of?"

"Indeed. I was unsuccessful at stopping his planet's destruction and he blamed me for it. Illogical, really."

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"I just recently got here. I had to employ the assistance of an engineer who would make a very profitable addition to the Enterprise."

"I am sure that he will perform admirably, but I will not see that."

"What do you mean?"

"I will go to New Vulcan to assist the colony according to T'lar's wishes."

"I do not know who T'lar is, but you should not go there. The Enterprise is where you want to be."

"It is logical-"

"For once, put aside logic. Instead, do what feels right."

Spock didn't know what to say.

"Since my usual parting words would seem oddly self serving, I shall simply say... good luck."

Spock nodded, in a daze.

This was fascinating.

There was a knock at his door.

Spock found James Kirk standing there.

"Kirk? Why are you here?"

"No particular reason." Kirk said, entering without permission. "Huh, you're packing up. Planning to go to New Vulcan?"

"I am."

"You know, we make a good team." Kirk said slowly, "I kind of don't want to see you go."

"What?" Spock asked, surprised. That was something that he couldn't remember ever hearing.

"I think that you should stay. Come onboard the Enterprise. I mean, there's still a first officer slot open."

"This may not be an entirely wise idea." Spock said.

"I don't see why not. I'm not gonna force you or anything, just know that we're waiting for you." Kirk said. Spock watched him leave.

.

Kirk was disappointed.

Apparently, Spock wouldn't be joining him. Sulu would be forced to take up the position as first officer instead.

"Take off in twenty minutes." Sulu reported.

Then, the lift opened. A certain Vulcan stepped out. "Permission to come onboard?" He asked.

"I believe you already are." Said Kirk, grinning. He couldn't believe that Spock had waited until the last minute to return.

Spock nodded, and went to his station.

Kirk surveyed the bridge. Everyone was here.

They were ready for space.


	5. Transition: Stagnant

After a mere three missions, everyone onboard the Enterprise seemed to adore Kirk.

He was amazed at this fact and played it to his advantage whenever he screwed up. No one seemed to hold anything against him.

Of course, he tried not to. He did everything that he needed to, he just sometimes forgot or slipped up.

"Captain, need I remind you that a report on Terrelias was due yesterday?" Spock said.

That's right, there was one crew member who didn't blindly adore him.

Weird. His charms didn't work on Vulcans.

"I know, I'm gonna do it tonight." Kirk said. Right now, he didn't want to think about reports.

Before Spock could say more Kirk added, "You should probably focus on your own work."

"Captain, I finished my work 1.6 hours ago. I am merely here to scan for any changes and, thus far, there have been none."

Kirk sensed that by changes, he meant more than just those in space.

"I will do it tonight." Kirk said. It wouldn't do to have anyone think that he was still the slacker that he once was.

"It would be far more logical to complete any excess work you have now, when there is ample time to do so. Procrastinating deteriorates the quality of work by 34%."

"It's a report." Kirk said, growing annoyed. Why was Spock lecturing him about paperwork on the bridge?

"These reports are important because they inform Starfleet about the status of our missions."

"Spock, drop it. That's an order."

The half Vulcan immediately turned back to his station.

Kirk was beginning to regret his decision to bring Spock aboard. Why did he care about him so much?

He knew the truth, of course. He could tell that they were more alike than either would care to admit.

It was hard to remember that sometimes, though.

The rest of that shift passed in silence, save for a few reports being passed around.

* * *

Choosing the Enterprise was surely a better choice.

T'lar's connections with the council were reinstated. Her reactions were spared on the bases of a broken bond.

If Spock had gone to New Vulcan, she'd likely reside over him despite the fact that he was an adult. And he never wanted to see T'lar again.

Even now as he ate alone, it was preferable. He would undoubtably become better acquainted with the crew in time.

"Spock." Kirk sat down.

"Captain." He acknowledged.

"No, call me Jim when we're off duty."

"Very well, is there something that you wish to discuss?"

"No." Kirk said, narrowing his eyes.

He simply wanted to have the entire crew backing him up-including Spock. For that, they needed to get a little closer.

"I see." Spock said. He was busy at work on a PADD and eating simultaneously.

After a moment Kirk decided to try and break the awkward atmosphere. "So, I heard that you play chess?"

"Indeed. I have played it for some time, as it is thought to be beneficial to developing minds." Spock replied.

"Huh. I was the president of the academy chess club. Undefeated champion at every competition, too. We should play each other some time."

"That may prove interesting." Spock agreed, still staring at his PADD.

Kirk felt annoyed. "Yeah, it might."

Spock said nothing.

Kirk stood up, which finally drew the Vulcan's gaze. "Alright, I see that you don't want to talk. I was going to the gym anyways."

Spock was unsure how to respond. Truthfully, he'd felt relieved when the Captain joined him. He was simply unsure of how to handle the situation.

"I do not find myself impartial to your company."

"Yeah, that's great." Kirk said sarcastically. He threw out his barely touched meal and left the room.

More confused than ever, Spock decided to simply return to his work.

* * *

Kirk found himself wanting to get to know Spock better, but it never worked out.

It was just too difficult for them to understand each other.


	6. II: Repression

**II: KIRK**

Once more the Enterprise was at space dock. This was the part that the entire command team loathed.

The Enterprise usually ran on a bimonthly schedule. Go out, complete a few missions for a month, then sit around near Earth for the same amount of time. This improved the morale of the main crew, as they were given the chances to visit with their friends and relatives. The fact that they got a month that was composed of pure free time was another incentive for their increased proficiency.

For the command team, it was different. For most, relationships with their families were strained at best and nonexistent at worst. To spend half the time doing absolutely nothing would only serve to create bored officers who would have a more difficult time focusing when the Enterprise left for her next set of missions. Fortunately for the command team, there were still plenty of things to do while the Enterprise was docked up.

Even now, Spock was busy at work in the labs. Chekov and Scotty were off in engineering, and Sulu was caring for any plants onboard. McCoy wasn't too productive during the free time, but he was available. None would complain about his tendency to lounge around sickbay at these times when they accidentally injured themselves.

Uhura didn't have much to do aboard, and was often gone for half the month. Kirk tended to spend his time with the most exciting task of all, completing paperwork. Like the report he was filing now.

_...and in doing so, we maintained the prime directive._

_Captain James Tiberius Kirk_

_USS Enterprise NCC-1701_

He slumped back. It was 8 at night and not at all necessary for him to be working this late, especially since they were in space dock for another 2 weeks and he had hardly any work left. And yet, he couldn't bring himself to take a break.

Kirk kept thinking about things that had to be done. He still needed to get on the good side of 3 new recruits and Spock. He also had to survey repairs from the last mission, where they had been shot at by the Lyrias'. There was paperwork to be done, and it felt like he couldn't stop for a break until it was all complete.

With a sigh he started on the next report. He just couldn't stop.

.

Spock walked stiffly through the Enterprise. _Intriguing, _he thought, _that the captain clings to me for a full month, and then begins to avoid me. _He wasn't annoyed, per say, just curious as to what was going on. He decided not to push the matter, it was probably nothing. James T. Kirk was a very whimsical and unpredictable man, so changes in behavior were not worth looking into.

He thought back to why this had suddenly been brought to his attention. He'd eaten his third lunch alone without so much as seeing the captain.

As he reviewed that thought, Spock decided that it might be beneficial to check in on the captain. After all, he hadn't seen him at any point in the past three days. It was only logical to look out for the well being of his commanding officer.

He paused at his own quarters, staring at the door to the Captain's. For some reason he felt apprehensive. Shrugging off the emotion, Spock moved to stand in front of Jim's quarters. He rapped quickly on the door and waited.

After 26 seconds, Spock knocked louder. Again, no response. He went to a computer console hanging on the wall. "Computer, locate the captain's biological signature."

"Captain James Kirk is in his quarters."

Narrowing his eyes, Spock went back to the room. He punched in his override code and stepped successfully through the now open door.

The lights were dim, appearing to be at about 20%. The bed looked untouched, the room clean. In the middle of it all sat James Kirk, staring at his computer console. "Captain?" Spock asked. When there was no response he said, a little bit louder, "Jim?"

Jim twitched in surprise and turned. "Oh, Spock. I didn't see you coming in." Spock noticed the state of the captain. There were dark bags under his bloodshot eyes. His hair hung loosely and in an unkempt manner. His clothes were wrinkled, as if he hadn't changed in days.

"Jim, what are you doing?" Spock asked.

"Oh, just a report on the current state of the warp coils, based on the data that Scotty's sent me." Kirk replied.

"That is completely unnecessary. It is the chief engineer's jobs to write reports based on engineering. Furthermore, to write an entire report on a mere component of an engine when said part is undamaged is wholly illogical."

"What, I'd thought that you'd approve." Jim joked. Spock noticed that his words slurred together slightly.

"When was the last time you slept?" He asked.

"I don't know, does it matter? There's work to be done."

"Captain you seemed to have finished all of your work for the next month. There is no urgency at the moment, you need to take a break."

"Break? There's no time for that!" Kirk insisted. "I have to work."

"That is enough. I am telling you right now that there is more than enough time. If you do nothing for two weeks you will still be ahead of schedule. Captain, please, take a break."

"Sorry Spock, but I can't do that. Get out of my quarters." Jim said.

"Captain-"

"That's an order."

Spock's eyes narrowed slightly, but he obeyed. He intended to figure out what was wrong with Jim.

.

"Jim? A workaholic?" McCoy asked. It was evident from his expression that he didn't believe a single word coming out of Spock's mouth.

"Yes. It is evident that he has not slept for days, and I believe that he has not eaten in equally as long. I do not understand why this is, though. It is possible that he has contracted an alien virus, though unlikely as the rest of the crew is unaffected. You, as chief medical officer onboard this ship, are needed to look into this."

McCoy was hooked. "Alright, I'll check on him. Just to get you off my back, you hobgoblin."

"I can assure you that I am not-"

"Oh, put a cork in it." McCoy said, gathering up his medical supplies. He was starting to get a little worried, with what Spock had said. It sounded familiar. Yes, it was just like that one time during their second year at the academy.

He sped up his preparations.

.

Kirk groaned when McCoy came in. Was everyone intending to interrupt his work today?

"What do you want Bones?" He asked.

McCoy ignored him and swept him over with a tricorder. When he saw the readings, his scowl deepened. "Damn it Jim, what the hell is this?! You haven't slept in three days, haven't eaten in four?" He snapped.

"I've been busy."

"I'm sure." McCoy replied. "Jim, is this the same as what happened back then? In our second year at the academy?"

"I don't know, we did a lot of things during our second year at the academy." Jim was tired enough that he really couldn't remember what McCoy was talking about.

"I swear..." McCoy muttered, "What triggered it?"

"What? My dedication to my job?" Kirk snapped.

"No, your suddenly unhealthy addiction to your work." McCoy replied. "Last time it was triggered by that God damn article. You almost died! Right now you're severely dehydrated, malnourished, and in desperate need of rest."

"I don't need anything." Kirk said firmly.

"That's it." Without saying anything he pulled out a hypospray and forced its contents into Jim's neck. The sluggish man was unable to react in time, and he slumped over. Grumbling, McCoy grabbed onto his shoulders and dragged him onto his bed.

After applying a few hypos to stave off dehydration and malnutrition, McCoy went onto Jim's computer.

"Are you kidding me?" He muttered, willing his eyes to unsee what he'd just seen in Jim's previous history.

After searching for an additional 20 minutes, McCoy admitted defeat. Nothing on the computer had triggered Jim's behavior.

No, Jim only behaved that way when something strongly reminded him of his past, and as a result his dreams became nightmares. McCoy was no psychologist, but he was a doctor. From what he knew, he assumed that this was because instead of facing his issues as they happened when he was younger, Jim simply suppressed them. McCoy knew, in the very least, that repressed trauma could lead to the patient getting attacks 50 years later that felt just like the event. Except in this case, the patient was Jim.

And Jim coped by distracting himself.

McCoy briefly considered whether or not to bring Kirk to sickbay, but decided against it. He would be out for at least 12 hours with the hypo, likely longer due to his sleep deficiency. He didn't need to be there.

.

Spock briefly wondered about the captain's condition. It had been 3 hours and 17 minutes, yet there was no update from doctor McCoy. It would be logical to ask what his condition is, as the commanding officer needed to be in perfect health. So, he paused in his work and went to sick bay.

"Doctor McCoy, what is the captain's condition?" He asked.

McCoy, who had been busy organizing hypos, jerked violently. "God, warn a man!" He yelled. He then realized what Spock had asked. "Oh, he'll be alright, he just needs some rest." He assured.

"Might I ask what happened? Will it spread to the crew?" Spock asked.

"Don't think about it." McCoy said gruffly, "It wont spread to the crew." _Doctor patient confidentiality._

"Very well." Spock nodded. He walked briskly into the halls, and paused. It was 12:34. _I must get my nutrients. _He decided, heading to the mess hall rather than the lab.

He didn't wonder _not worry _this time about where Jim was, as McCoy had assured him that he was fine. It was a more peaceful lunch than any for the last few days.

.

Jim shifted and groaned into consciousness. He was in his quarters, and he was alone.

"What happened?" He muttered, though no one was there to hear. Vague memories, he was working, there was Bones, and-

_Oh. _The memories of just why he was working surfaced as well.

_From: Admiral Dorill_

_Recipiant: Captain James T. Kirk_

_Subject: Your new Mission_

_Captain,_

_There has been an emergency on Tarsus IV. A group of terrorists has bombed the colony's only transport center. The locals are busy repairing the damage, but the problem remains unsolved._

_The Enterprise must leave in 1 week to transport the needed supplies for repair. These will be sent to you shortly before departure. _

_The local authorities are looking into discovering who attacked, and why. You are expected to assist them in any way possible to find the perpetrators._

_I apologize for the short notice and any inconvenience._

_Admiral Janice H. Dorill_

Since then, he'd been distracting himself.

He planned to wait until three days prior to the mission to alert the crew. There was a chance, however slight, that someone else would be picked for the mission. With that thought in mind, Kirk was wide awake and yanking the covers off himself. Within moments he was in front of the computer screen checking the date.

_Just under two days._

He flipped through his email and was disappointed to find that the admiralty hadn't contacted him.

It was with reluctance that he wrote up an email, contacting all crew to immediately return to the Enterprise.

When the emails were all sent out he slumped. Why did things like this always have to happen?


End file.
